P1NG! Some Fake News

In these troubling times, now seems as good an opportunity as any for this author to share lighter content with you, dear readers.

But first, some context: as many of you are aware, your blogger has been contributing to SYN Media these past two years as a presenter and producer on its FM station. One of SYN’s programmes that he has been contributing to is Player One, a weekly commitment to video-games and gaming culture that airs on Monday evenings. Because of a commitment with another radio programme during that time, much of his contributions to Player One have been in the form of satirical articles.

Player One News Gatherers, or P1NG for short, is described as the “official investigative journalism unit” of Player One, but in reality is a series of Onion– and Betoota Advocate-style articles that satirise current events. Most articles stick to a gaming-related theme, though many of my ideas are very loosely connected to video-games. Below is a complete list of the P1NG articles yours truly has written thus far.

Listeners Mad As Hell After SYN Airs Wrong Episode of Player One

This author’s first P1NG article was directly inspired by a real-life incident that happened to one of my favourite television shows – specifically, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation airing the previous week’s episode of Shaun Micallef’s Mad As Hell, despite a new episode having been recorded and ready for broadcasting.

The Witcher to Become the First Web Series with Downloadable Content

With DLC having become commonplace in the gaming world, it’s only a matter of time before the same thing happens to films and original series that are streaming on the web. This article hypothesises as to how that would work.

1993 Mitsubishi Magna Revealed as Next Need For Speed Cover Car

A “cover car” is the name given to an automobile that graces the box-art of a video-game. In the past this honour has belonged to Lamborghinis, Porsches, Paganis – names and brands that people are familiar with. Yet for Need For Speed Heat, the developers went out on a limb and chose the Polestar 1, a car designed and built by Volvo. Yours truly then asked himself, “What is the daggiest car that could be a cover car?” and the rest is history.

(N.B: The Mitsubishi Magna is the Australian equivalent of the Galant)

President Xi Sick of Being Fragged by Twelvies

An article that got the SYN website blocked in China (probably), this was written in the aftermath of President Xi Jinping’s announcement that children were banned from playing video-games late at night and in the early hours of the morning. It seems a rather draconian measure, but if you were getting pwned over Xbox Live by twelve-year-old boys, wouldn’t you want to put a stop to it?

Mortein Developing Software for Buggy Games

This piece from the end of last year came courtesy of an idea from fellow Player One contributor (and now Executive Producer of the programme) Connor Matthews. Frustrated with the “bugs” present in Bethesda’s video-games, Connor proposed the idea of having Australian fly-spray company Mortein remove said bugs. His idea was workshopped by yours truly and turned into the eventual article.

Aussie Gamer’s Investment in Madden Finally Pays Off

American football, or “Gridiron”, is not a game that has translated well overseas like basketball or baseball has; even so, the Madden NFL video-game series is immensely popular in all territories. Playing the Madden franchise proves a great educational tool for those unfamiliar with its physical counterpart, which proves useful when events like the Super Bowl are on the television.

Goose Locks Oscars Host in Phone Booth

Untitled Goose Game is a favourite among many, including the Player One crew, so it only made sense for this author to write a satirical story about its eponymous protagonist. The opportunity to do so arose in the lead-up to the Academy Awards, which would be going without a presenter for the second year in a row, owing to the success of the previous ceremony’s host-less telecast. Or at least, that’s what the public were led to believe…

Gamer Reaches Peak Loneliness After SingStore Closure

This is real news that passed everybody by, save for Player One newcomer Dem McCarthy – anecdotally, she’s one of the best personalities to emerge from the programme in recent times – who noticed that Sony had ceased supporting its SingStar karaoke software after twelve years. It was she who dreamed-up the idea for this story and pitched it to the crew, before yours truly workshopped her suggestion into a subsequent article.

Binge Gamer Unfazed by Toilet Paper Shortage

Three weeks ago, the COVID-19 situation was far less dire than what it is now, and many in the Player One crew were hoping a P1NG article would make light of it. Their ideas were workshopped into a story about a man not the least bit concerned about stockpiling bathroom products, reason being he never needs to use a toilet.

Deluded Fan ‘Certain’ of March 3rd Final Fantasy VII Remake Release

The much-hyped Final Fantasy VII Remake – a high-definition remaster of the original PlayStation game – was one of a litany of video-game titles delayed at the beginning of 2020. The delay was relatively short at just one month (for now) but even so, some were clearly unhappy at the announcement. One fan though believed that a March 3rd, 2020 release was still a possibility.

Self-Isolated Gamer Regrets Selling Wii U

Even Nintendo admits the Wii U was a colossal failure. Poor marketing, strange software and few games meant that third-party developers and consumers took no interest in the home console, resulting in its successor (the Switch) being launched earlier than anticipated. The benefits of the new console are many, yet there’s one thing the Switch lacks: the ability to play a round of golf.

There you have it: some levity in a period of great uncertainty. Here’s hoping you’re keeping well, and that I’ll have more articles to share with you in the weeks ahead.